Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Why are my eyes leaking?

This past week I've found myself in a weird daze, I feel like a deer caught in headlights, but not physically. Just in my head. I find myself zoning in and out and thinking about stuff like - ice cream, my toes, co-pays, and tape marks. I come out of the daze and feel moisture covering my eyes and know that if I blink or say anything, surely I won't be able to stop the tears.

I don't, however, feel overwhelmingly sad. Isn't that weird? To feel like I'm gonna cry at any second, but not feel sad? I've always been a passionate - okay, emotional - person. I guess this shouldn't come as a big surprise to me. Maybe that I haven't had any all-out fit of some sort should though. I guess I will reserve that for a later time...

Anyway, today is the last day of "before chemo". BC. Tommy BC.

I look forward to the day when all this chemotherapy business is behind me and everyone thinks I'm my oldself. Really, I do. But the truth is, will I ever be my old self again? I find it hard to believe that I will. Even when I can have Ice Cream and Iced Tea and Cold Soda again. Even when I have the regular feeling back in my fingers and toes. And even when my skin recovers from having tape covering it for six months. How can I be the same?

I hope for all the differences in me, that the good will by far outweigh the bad. That this might make me physically weaker now, but that it will make me forever stronger.

For now, right now this hour - I am going to go pick up Darren from school. Yep, I am taking him out of school for no good reason other than to meet up with my family at the zoo. It's like New Years Eve and we're celebrating. Out with the old Me+cancer and in with the new Cancer Free Me! Oh wait, this is a darn good reason...


mamarach said...

Your raw honestly is awesome. Change in life is good a lot of times it's called refinement and yeah AC Tommy won't be the same...but that's ok. It's still all you and experiences shape you. And btw, you can cry without being sad, I do all the time!

Eden said...

I love you!