Freaked Out

Okay, so I think my attitude towards this whole cancer business has been pretty good. Optimistic. Hopeful. Determined. And not because I am trying to put on a front for anyone, but because that is how I truly feel. Even through my first meeting with my Oncologist, Dr Azar on Wednesday. I re-listened to the short portion that we did record and was amazed at how calm and collected I sounded. And there was even a point in the meeting when my sister got a bit freaked out and I put my hand on her arm, patted her and told her "Don't worry, I'm gonna be okay."

But last night I was working on my journal and I was researching the Clinical Trial drug Cetuximab and I'm going to admit - it freaked me out a bit. As I mentioned, they really repeated that one of the side effects would be the rash on my face. I went ahead and took a look at some photos of people with this reaction - and wholly cow! It scared me. So I've been trying to tell myself that I really need to weigh the side effect with the possible gain - acne like rash/non-recurring cancer. hmmm... I know, not a tough choice huh? And I can say that right now, but realistically - three months from now, I might be tired. I might not feel well. And will looking at myself in the mirror be the straw that breaks the camel's back? I hope not.

Heck, I don't even know if I will be chosen as one of the participants that take the Cetuximab, so I know I just need to chill out - and I will. Point is, some things about this do freak me out...