A different kind of grief...

Holy cow! I can't believe it's been over a year since I've blogged. Here at least...

I'm still around, in case you were wondering. I've received some comments and emails asking if I was and thought it was awful nice of you to care enough to ask, so the least I could do is respond.

Early last year, January 1st to be exact, stuff happened. My mom suffered a really bad stroke that left her unable to speak and move very well. On top of that, an x-ray done in the ER revealed a large mass in her lung - Stage IV lung cancer.

My mom was in the hospital for two months, just trying to get her well enough to get to a rehabilitation center. Halfway through, we were hopeful as she had started to walk with the aid of a walker and assisted by medical staff.

Hospitals are funny places. Not funny as in "ha-ha" you made me laugh. Not funny like that at all. Funny in the way that you are in great danger the sicker you are and the longer you stay in one. "Super Bugs", resistant to antibiotics and other treatments, are life threatening to patients with weakened immune systems. My mom was one of these patients. While in the hospital she contracted at least two separate cases of pneumonia. The stroke had severely impacted her ability to speak... and also to swallow. When you added in the obstruction from the tumor in her lungs, it was a bleak scenario. She just couldn't cough out the bad stuff and never recovered.

Cancer. Hit me harder than it ever had before. I lost my mom on February 26th, 2011 - just two days before what would have been her 41st anniversary with my dad.

For anyone who knows me, you know I stayed very positive through my diagnosis, my treatment and through my check-ups and remission. Sure, I get anxious for test results and maybe I am more nervous than I was before - but I'm not sad, angry or physically down about my own bout with cancer. For those of you who don't know me, you might have commented that you gather that from reading my blog.

I've had some fucked up things happen in my life. Three of my nieces, ages 7, 8 & 10 were murdered in 1999. I was diagnosed with Stage IIIB Colon Cancer at age 36 in 2008. I lost my house due to Cancer and all the fun parts of dealing with a medical condition like this in 2009. But I always knew that these kind of things didn't just happen to me. Everyone suffers. Everyone has dealt with their own tragedies, or if not, they probably will at some time. And if they don't ever, then Praise God! I'd never wish harm on anyone. My point is, somehow I managed to keep that positive attitude to all of my own... until mom.

It was a whole different kind of grief and eventually loss and more grief. I tried to do everything I could do to be there for her and help make decisions for her care, but in the end, we still lost her. No positive outcome. No more hope. I was angry. I was sad. I was lost.

It's been just over a year since my mom had her stroke. I honestly don't feel as angry and hopeless as I did back then. I'm still grieving and I miss her, but I'm able to look for some positive through it now; The best thing - we got to say goodbye. I don't know why my mom started to get better for the one month before it got so bad, but she did. And even though she couldn't speak to us, she communicated. She told me that she loved me in her own way and I'll always have that as one of the last feelings to have shared with her. And if I allow myself to look, I often find bits and pieces of other good too. Like the way mom always taught us that life goes on. We cannot stop living due to our grief. And how better to honor that lesson than to not only go on living, but live life to the fullest and appreciate that we still have time her with our loved ones.

So where does this all come from? Besides being what my life has been about for the last year? Well, for one - I was blogging, just not here. I found this blog to be so great for documenting not only what I was going through at the time but also a great way of communication for anyone who cared to know what I was going through, that I ended up creating a separate blog for my mom. Although, I haven't posted on that since her funeral last March. For two - It's another instance of how cancer is affecting my life and of how fucked up it can be. And how I said at one point "I reserve the right to breakdown in the future..." I brokedown. Just not exactly how I expected it to come about. Three - if you smoke - QUIT! That shit is nasty and it KILLS! I can't believe my mom hadn't had a chest x-ray sooner. I can't believe I never urged her too. It's too late for her, but if you know someone who smokes, maybe you can at least encourage them to ask their doctor's for one. It could very possibly save their life.

That said... I am fine, healthwise in relation to cancer. I missed my 3 1/2 year check up so had a 3 3/4 year CT scan on November 13th. Results were good. NED. No evidence of disease.

Sorry for being away so long. I guess just 'cause I'm super pissed at cancer, it doesn't mean I need to take it out on my blog...

And the not-so-technical part...

Feelings...
I know yesterday's blog update was pretty technical. Scheduled. Informative. I guess I forgot to put some feeling into it, so I thought I would add it today - cause man, I got a lot of feeling...

Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, I found myself staring up at the paint in the ceiling and thinking, or wondering - I don't know about what. I guess I was trying to figure out how I felt. Scared, nervous, sad? And none of those emotions stood out. I was excited. I wanted to go to my appointment and find out what the next step was going to be. I mean, I'm going to beat this, so we might as well get started right?

At the doctor's office...
When my name was called, the six of us stood up and headed back. We met up with Dr Azar in the hallway and she said "whoa, who's the patient?" So I told her I was and she asked if everyone was coming back and suggested maybe they wait a bit longer in the waiting room, while I had my exam and she got my history, 'cause she was going to ask me about my whole life... Mondo couldn't get back to the waiting room fast enough!

But it wasn't all that. A really quick exam and a few questions. When everyone came back in, she started out really technical - naming off medication combinations and I was like what? But she was funny, and let me take in what she was saying, circling back when my eyes got that dazed look, to repeat and clarify. She was patient when I asked a question and even when someone else in the room asked the same question again. And she didn't make me feel rushed at all. I couldn't say that she did considering it was over three hours. I feel good about her and so did my family - and Sheila, but I guess you're part of the family whether you like it or not :o)

Mondo...
So now I am going to head off on a tangent and write about Mondo... you know, me and my Mondo. My niece Phia loves Mondo. One time I hugged him and looked at her and told her "this is my Mondo" and she (2 years old) goes "Myyyyyy Mondo!" and Karen (her mom) goes, "Phia, one day you will learn, that's Tia Tommy's Mondo".

We stopped off for lunch before we headed out to the appointment and he wasn't talking much. I know he didn't feel well 'cause he has a sty in his eye - I should write music - and he has not been getting much sleep. He has been so sleep deprived, he even slept in that day and missed work! Yikes!

Anyway, I thought of my bible study the night before and the subject of The Five Love Languages. Words. Gifts. Service. Quality Time. Physical Touch. And part of our discussion was, How do you feel loved? Do people love in one language? Some might, but I can't determine one when I think of my brother (or any of my family).

I think of everything he has done for me - pretty much always, but especially since I've been sick. You know his back went out right before I went into the hospital and then he was barely feeling better, but he was ALWAYS there for me. And I am not knocking anyone else, because so many people have been here for me and I love you all for it. But, he was the first person I called when I found out I had cancer, he was the only one I wanted there with me until I could catch my breath about it. 'Cause he's not just my brother, he is my friend.

Mondo's "words" of love often come in the form of sarcasm. He cracks me up! And I love that. But I remember one time he sent me a text that said "Thinking about and love you sis", which wasn't funny at all, but still awesome. Gifts? I don't know if you know this about Mondo, but he doesn't buy gifts for set occasions, like birthdays or whatever. He prefers to give gifts with meaning. Like if he knows you like fish and you always wear slippers and you're always cold - he will actually look for a pair of fuzzy warm slippers with fish on them. And even better if there is no reason in the world to give them to you other than he thinks you might like them. One time I was home and I was sick, but I'm not sure he new that. He comes in and has a potted tulip plant. I love tulips! I knew he had just visited with our friend Lindy and I asked him "Oh, did Lindy send those?" He goes "No! I did!" and I said "Oh, Tulips are my favorite!" And he goes "I know!" - like how could I not know that he knew that. It was no accident that he just stopped by to bring me my favorite flowers.

Physical? One word. Hugs. I think we all need them. Thank God I never have had a shortage of them. Mondo spoke at my nieces funeral and I remember him talking about "hugs" and how he learned a lesson in "hugs" from my nieces. That no matter how tiny you were, and how big of a person you were hugging, give them with all your might. I'm going to look for the wording of what he said 'cause it's worth noting. So maybe if you got this far, you will check back. [insert] But even if you don't, if you've ever had a hug from Mondo - and if you have ever met Mondo, you surely have - you know what I mean.

Service & Quality Time? Mondo babysat me this past week when my mom and dad had to go out of town. He turned his schedule upside down to drive me anywhere I needed, or wanted to go. And just kept me good company in general. Then when my parents got home and he found out I drove myself somewhere, he told my dad that he better take care of me. He said "Tommy likes to go to bed about midnight, so make sure that it's warm in here for her. And she needs new water at 4:30am - so don't forget. She can't have stale water." HAHAHAHA! That was hillarious! But the truth is, if I wanted water at 4:30am - I bet he would bring it to me.

His sense of humor!

Today, Mondo and I met up with my friend Matthew for lunch. I had borrowed his camera to download pictures from the Mammoth Game on Thursday and wanted to return it (Thanks Matthew!). We met at Noodles & Co near Belmar. Mondo tried my dish and confirmed what I had mentioned early, that it was a little spicy. I said "That's okay. Nothin' that the Cold Stone we're going to go get won't cool off." Matthew just laughed and said that he was afraid he wouldn't be able to join us for fear of the food coma he would have to deal with when returning to work. Lame.

Okay, for the rest of the story to make sense, here is an email that I received last week.

---------- Forwarded message ----------

Tommy,

I am so sorry that I have not been by to see you yet. I would like to come by when you are up to it. So happy for you though, about Gavin Prout..wow!, Lucky girl. Im so jealous. It was wonderful reading your letter and hearing your great attitude. God has been truly faithful to our prayers. Im so happy that you have such a wonderful support system, with your family and church family. So let me know what days are good for visitors and I will bring over some cold stones :)

Jennifer

I told Mondo and Matthew, "You know, Jen said that she would bring me some Cold Stone last week" and I yelled out "JEN, BRING ME MY COLD STONE!" And we laughed, seeing how close we were and the idea of asking someone to deliver it to us....

So we say goodbye to Matthew - and Mondo & I drive three storefronts down to Cold Stone, and as we were parking I see Matthew walking....
Me: There's Matthew... Where did he park?!
Me: Who's he with?
Me: Hahaha. That's Jen!

She walked up and opened my door, gave me a big ol' hug then she said, "I just ran into Matthew and he told me you were coming over here. That's so funny, I owe you Cold Stone! How are you? It's so good to see you....."

What? You had me at Cold Stone...

I wouldn't necessarily call my yelling out "JEN, BRING ME MY COLD STONE!" a prayer. And I wouldn't necessarily say that Jen showing up and buying me (and Mondo) our Cold Stones was an answer to my prayers. But I would say that the laughter I got out of the whole incident was. Laughter, it's a fact to me - is some of the best medicine! And the whole incident made me laugh!

Mondo is the best! Eric too :o)

I love Mondo.

Yesterday he called me and asked me what I wanted to do about the game.

Mondo: Do you still want to go?
Tommy: Yeah. I don't know, I was thinking maybe I'd go at half-time, just in case I can only sit like that for a short time. I'd rather see the second half than have to leave early.
Mondo: Well, I talked to Eric and he wanted to know if you were okay for it. He said, maybe if you didn't feel up to it, we could do something with our tickets and all go over to mom's and watch the game with you.
Me: What?! My friends are the best! No way! He said he'd do that? Wow.
Mondo: Whatever you want sis.
Me: I don't know, I just don't know how I will do, but I wouldn't want to make you all miss the game. Although, that is a sweet gesture.
Mondo: I'm up for anything. It's just one game. How about a wheelchair? Do you think it would be better if you had a wheelchair? I can see about exchanging our tickets.

The conversation went on and he came over for dinner. He ended up taking my parents' and Darren's tickets and upgrading them for lower level wheelchair accessible seats. This way, if I can't sit in the regular seats, I can sit in the other. And he's willing to move to the other's with me - even though they are not nearly as sweet as ours. All I need to do now is find a wheelchair, but I actually think we might have one in the basement or garage. I'm so psyched.

I love Mondo.

Gavin's Email - 2nd one!

Allright, yesterday was good, but today was awesome!

First, I got another email from Gavin! [See first one here] He replied to my original response. That was a way cool way to start my day.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Gavin
Date: Apr 1, 2008 5:20 AM

Yes I really am Gavin, I know it's hard to believe especially on April Fools Day but your brother wrote to Steve Govett (our GM) and Steve contacted me. I chose to write you since you were such a big fan or both the Mammoth and myself.
I truly am sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but from what I have heard about you and your positive attitude you will be fine after your treatment, you are a very strong individual.
Don't rush yourself or spread yourself too thin, you have to concentrate on yourself and your therapy, not the Mammoth. We will be around for a couple more games and many more years so you will get your fair share of games to watch in the future.
Thank you for the belated birthday wish, all the best!

Gavin Prout
9

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Tommy
Date: 31/03/2008

Are you really Gavin??????

Because that is crazy and I wouldn't put it past my brother and my friends to set up a whole MySpace account to send me a note from you! Everyone knows I'm a huge fan of yours.

I had the surgery last week and was released from the hospital yesterday. But I found out that I have cancer and will need some followup.... so my brother told me, "milk it" and I said, well then can't I get a make-a-wish.... please bring Gavin in to see me okay? And he laughed and brought in a Mammoth bandanna (see pic below) and flag to dress up my room. That was cool.

Anyway, I absolutely love the Mammoth and even moved my surgery to try to avoid missing a game. So hopefully I will be able to make it on Thursday. That is my plan at least.

Thanks for writing, whether you are Gavin or not, that made me smile. And if you are, happy belated birthday!

Take care,
Tommy

So I sent an email to "Voodoo". He's the guy that Mondo originally had contacted and explained what was going on and asked if he could do anything. He responded saying he didn't do much. Just contacted Steve Govett (the GM of the Colorado Mammoth) and that Steve and the team did the rest. A few pieces of correspondence later, he sent me the following:

Hi Tommy,

Are you still in the hospital? If so, where? Govett and some of the team would like to visit you if possible.

What?! That would have been so cool. And for a second I thought, I can sprain my ankle or something.... Well, I'm not in the hospital, but the offer alone just lifted me higher than a kite. I can't tell you how much it lifted my spirits. I sent texts to all my friends who know what a Mammoth freak I am. They were way excited for me too. And a few of them even offered to come and help me break my leg.

Me and Mike Norris. I'm sporting the Mammoth Bandanna Mondo had brought me.

Gavin's Email

Last night didn't feel so good. We rented "Dan in Real Life", which is a good movie. Parts of it made me laugh and that hurt quite a bit. I also had trouble taking deep breaths. Ouch.

Today, not feeling so great either. I'm tired. I'm not doing terrible. I think it's getting better - by the end of the day it's not so hard to breathe.

But something else happened today that made me really happy. I got an email message from Gavin Prout (captain of the Colorado Mammoth) today. I think most of you know that I LOVE the Mammoth and that he is my favorite. Anyway, I guess Mondo had been working on that since Tuesday, contacting people who contacted people and today I got an email from him wishing me a speedy recovery. Sweet huh? (This picture was taken after the January 26th game at the BlueSky Grill - I was way happy.)

From: Gavin
Date: Mar 31, 2008 5:33 AM

Hi Tommy, I heard you were having some serious surgery at the end of March. I hope it was successful and that your recovery time is minimal. Thanks for supporting the Mammoth by being season ticket holders. All the best, take care of yourself and I hope to see you back at the Mammoth games soon.

Gavin Prout
9

The C-Word

Starting Wednesday, I spent most of my time in the visitor's waiting room. We kind of took it over the whole time we were there because I didn't want to disturb any of my roommates and there wasn't a lot of space for visitors in my room anyway. Also, the doctor's wanted me to be sure to get up and walk around, so it was easier for me to do this from the waiting room. Plus, there was a great view from there. Too bad, I didn't take a photo.

Anyway, when I finally got to my room on Wednesday evening, I found I had a new roommate. Vanessa came in with a complication after a surgery she had a couple weeks before. Her mom Linda was with her. They talked to me a bit through the curtain. Asked how I was doing and all. Linda ended up staying the night, sleeping in a chair next to her daughter's bed.

So, Thursday was the day. I thought I had pretty much prepared myself to hear the results, but I don't know...

I was anxious about it. Woke up at 4am - I wonder what time Dr Vaughn will be here. Another doctor came in to check on me early in the morning, maybe about 6am. He said that they should have my results today, but didn't have any other information.

Dr Vaughn came into my room at about 7am. I had fallen back to sleep and the room was dark. I opened my eyes as Dr Vaughn leaned over my bed and asked me how I was doing. Again, this is how I remember the conversation, which might be completely out of whack.
Dr V: Well, we got the pathology report and there is cancer.
Me: okay.
Dr V: There were 20 lymph nodes and one of them was cancerous.
Me: okay.
Dr V: What that means is I will give you a referral to an Oncologist and they will likely administer chemotherapy. It looks like we got the tumor out completely and I didn't see any other masses. But there is a lot of inflammation and you will need to follow-up to make sure it doesn't spread. You will also want to let your brothers and sisters know that they should go in for a colonoscopy as they may be at risk.
Me: What does that entail, chemotherapy? Will that be during my recovery, after? More time off? Am I going to lose my hair?
Dr V: There are so many types of chemotherapy. You'll need to discuss with your Oncologist the what's and when's. You'll need to do some healing with this surgery before you can start that.
Me: okay.

He walks out and I sit there, with just a dim light above my own bed. Not sure what I am supposed to be thinking. Not sure how I am supposed to be feeling. I have cancer. I don't feel like I have cancer. But I'm pretty sure he just said I have cancer.

Kim, my awesome nurse walks in and asks me how I'm doing. "I got my results back." "And, what were they?" "The tumor was cancerous." And I start to cry. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say." She comes over and hugs me and says, "It's okay. Do you want me to call your mom? You should have someone here." "No, I don't want anyone here yet. I'll call my brother." And then Linda comes over and gives me a big hug too. People can be so nice. They don't even know you, and they can care about you right at the time that you need it most.


I call Mondo and tell him I got the results. He asks if I want him to come over. "Um, I don't know. I want someone to tell mom. I want her to hear before she gets here." I can't imagine what her reaction will be. How would I feel if someone told me my child had cancer? No matter how I feel about it, I can't expect that her feelings will be the same. I call Karen and Mario too. And give Karen a list of people to call and give the news to. Mondo will call the others when he gets here. I just want to make sure that people who might stop by to visit, know before they get here.

The rest of my stay is completely uphill. More visitors, more cards, more calls, more emails, more prayers - and yeah, more flowers. I am completely immersed in love. I am not stressed or angry or bitter. I don't think life is unfair. I just am. I am happy to have all of these people to keep me company at this time. I spend alot of time laughing - and it hurts to laugh, but at the same time - it feels so good to be able to laugh.

Did he say "possibility of cancer"?

Thursday, March 20th was supposed to be my last full day of work before I was going to take a couple of vacation days and then go out on short term disability for the surgery. On Wednesday, March 19th - in the evening, my abdominal pain came back - with a vengeance. I didn't know how I was going to make it to work, but there were a few things I had to get done. Ugh.

Right away, I edited my vacation response for email and recorded my voicemail. I closed up open issues and I think just in time. I had to leave. I was in tears. Called Dr Vaughn's office, who immediately sent another prescription for some more antibiotics. Had Mario walk me out to my car and managed to drive myself to Kaiser to pick up new meds. Went home and spent the rest of the day and the next vacation day in bed.

Dr Vaughn called me on Friday, March 21st to see how I was doing. This is how I remember the conversation, it is definitely not word for word.
Me: A little better. It seems like the meds are working pretty fast.
Dr V: I got your results from the (Pre-Op Procedure) and there is an abnormality. If you were older, I would be concerned of the possibility of cancer. The technician would like for you to come in for an Endoscopy, but I don't think I want to put anything into your body right now to risk a (lesion?). I don't want to risk the infection. I recommend we stay on schedule with the surgery.
Me: Sounds good to me. Did he say "possibility of cancer"?

Allright already - Part III

Well, I guess this is gonna take longer than I originally had thought. Better call mom. I get ahold of them in time to tell Darren goodbye and to have a great time on his Winter Camp trip. Mondo is taking his Junior High Youth Group up to the Young Life Retreat, which he says is just an awesome place. Mom and dad say they will pick up some stuff for me at the house and then come bye. I want them to come and take my car home too since I don't want to pay for parking for three days :o)

By this time I have also called Mario and Karen and a few others. Not gonna make it to dinner Sue. (Later, after I am released from the hospital, I find out that I didn't tell nearly enough. oops). Yeah, actually while I was waiting in my ER exam room I took a camera pic of myself and sent it to Mondo & Lisa with the caption "Guess where I'm at". Sometimes I think I'm so funny.

I had even text Sammi the picture and telling her, "1 of my dr's is Hot! Nice eyes!" She called me back right away and was ready to come over right then (I think it was after 10pm) but I told her I would be out soon and I was okay. I was just texting 'cause I thought she would appreciate the "hot doctor" comment. My small group talks about setting me up quite often and I said "Man, we would be perfect or each other, I mean, if I can talk to him about my large intestine, specifically about my colon, I can talk to him about anything (dreamily)." Hahaha! I am funny.

The hospital stay lasted from Friday through Sunday. Mario & Karen visited a few times, and brought the kids too. That was awesome. And John & Lisa & the boys came with a gift which was a framed photograph from my baptism. I placed it on my table and it brought lots of people to look at it - and I don't mean just glance, they squinted their eyes and stared like they were trying to figure out one of those pictures that you have to go cross-eyed for it to come into focus. It's a photo from my baptism. Yes, that's a hot tub.

The only bad thing was that I had some problems with my IV's. One of them got infiltrated? I think that's what the nurse said happened. They stopped it and changed it right away. And then one of the others burnt alot, ALOT - when a certain kind of medication was being administered. That was about the worst of it. Mario asked what it felt like. It feels like I have a gash in my hand and someone is pulling it open and it feel like my skin is being separated from my flesh underneath. Hahaha! You should have seen the look on his face. He said "I thought you were going to say it burns or something like that, but geez Tom!". Thank goodness for Nurse Roxi. When she came onto shift, she told me that I wasn't out of my mind and slowed the drip down so that it was bearable.

When I went in that morning, it was supposed to get to 70 degrees. I had on capris and sandals. When I left on Sunday evening, it had snowed all morning (a wicked snowstorm) and I wore my slippers into Walgreens where we stopped to pick up some over the counter stuff. I love Colorado.

Next step. Dr Vaughn's office will call you to schedule an appointment.

Allright already - Part II

So I call into work and let my boss know that this is going to take more than a couple of hours. I was referred to the ER and I might not be back in. But everything is okay - just a financial consideration here. Did I say that more to ease her mind... or mine?

As I'm driving around Saint Joseph's looking for ER parking, I start to think to myself that isn't it kind of strange to be driving yourself to the Emergency Room? Something about that doesn't seem right. I found parking though, and it was pretty convenient.

When I'm seen by the triage nurse, I tell her about my morning at Kaiser and how my doctor had referred me over for a CT scan. She isn't the warmest person and proceeds to tell me that my symptoms would indicate a UTI or maybe an ovarian cyst, in which case they wouldn't do anything about it.

NO!!! In that case, let me make up some symptoms. Anything to be seen by a real doctor who will take the time to figure out what is going on. I don't care if it's OB. I don't care if it's GI. I just want to know!

Either way, I'm sent out to wait until there is an exam room for me. Thank God that when I am called back, the nurse I get is really nice and seems to ask me questions that pertain to my hurt, rather than to something else I don't have. The doctor comes in and lets me know that they are going to send me up for an ultrasound. And I get an IV and some pain meds. Thank you!

The ultrasound technician (also very nice) says "yes, there is definitely something there. I can see why you are in pain. Twenty years and I've never seen anything like it. I don't know what it is." Umm, are you really supposed to say those kinds of things out loud? But I look at the screen as she points out "This is your ovary, and right here - this is a mass, that is probably what is causing your pain. And on this side, your other ovary." She'll need to do another - really in depth and really uncomfortable ultrasound. Lot's of photos later, she says she will go and review with the doctor and see if they want to come in and give me an exam as well.

I call my mom. I was thinking, Darren was supposed to be going to winter camp this weekend and I might not even be able to say goodbye cause I am tied up in here. I thought I would get the fasting lab done today, I didn't expect all this. And, Bethany had organized a birthday dinner for me at Hibachi Grill! I wasn't even sure I would make that. Well, I tell my mom where I am at and that they found something. Not sure what it is yet. And I start to cry a little bit. I don't know why. It wasn't because I was scared. But I think mostly because I was so relieved that they finally found something! I was emotional about it, but it was such a relief. She asked if I wanted her to come meet me since I was alone, but I didn't want her to. I just asked her if she would make sure to get Darren off to camp, pick up a few things I had forgotten and tell him I said goodbye if I wasn't able to call in time. And I told her I would keep her updated on what was going on with me.

After my ultrasound, I'm told I will be sent for a CT scan. Awesome, that's what I'm here for. The pain meds are wonderful, but I am unable to eat or drink anything and I am soooooo thirsty. After the CT scan, I wait for the doctor to come back in. And I wait. And wait. When she finally does, she tells me I have diverticulitis and the pain is from an infection in my large intestine - an abscess to be exact. Surgery is recommended to remove that part of my guts. Okay, those weren't her exact words, but you know.. More waiting, I thought to find out when I am going to have the surgery. She made it sound like it would happen that day. Definitely no food or drink. What time is it? 2pm or so? Then a surgeon comes in. Dr Vaughn. He again explains the disease (diverticulosis) and the complication of the disease that I am experiencing (diverticulitis). Oh yeah, the CT scan also shows that I have gall stones, so they would like to remove my gallbladder while they're in there. Okay. So I thought that I was waiting to go into surgery, but I think we were waiting for the surgeon to get the blood work results back. He wants to admit me to the hospital for a few days to give me antibiotics intravenously. The surgery shouldn't be done until the infection and inflammation has healed up. Oh man! No Hibachi Grill tonight.

But, I can have a 7up.

Allright already - Part I

Okay, so about this time I am upset. I am in pain. And I am going to go get something started, even if Kaiser can't decide what to do with me.

I figure I will go in on my way to work for the fasting lab that my PCP ordered on 2/15. But when I get there, the lab tech tells me that she can't find the order. And her tone tells me that she's not going to look for it any further. I am frustrated to no end and let the tech know that I did not make it up. I'm already going to miss two hours of work just for stopping by to complete this. I've already used almost all my sick time for the year and I am not leaving until I complete the lab. The order was placed by Dr. Budee on February 15th. I think something in my tone told her how upset I was. She checks her records again and then offers that sometimes the orders are not sent through by the doctors and refers me back to the Family Practice Desk (across the hall) to have them resend it.

So I go over there and ask the desk attendant to check my records. She responds that she found the order, but that she will need to have a nurse send it over. I was so angry and frustrated by this time, I was seriously considering demanding to speak to the person in charge, manager on duty, owner - whoever, but someone ranking 'cause I had issues with this - and I had a severe stomach ache to boot! When the desk attendant came back, she told me that Dr Budee's nurse wanted to speak to me if I could wait a minute before I went back to the lab....

I can't remember the nurses name, but she brought me back to one of the exam rooms. I'm sure I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't believe how hard it was for me to get this done. I'm not an easy person to get to the doctor in the first place, and here I am - practically knocking down doors because I know something is wrong - and I can't get anyone to respond. Anyway, she asks me what is going on and I just let go. Tell her everything as fast as I can and leave off with - "and after all that, I was told someone from Family Practice would call me back, and they never did.". She told me that she was actually the nurse that was going to call me back, but she only got the note that morning at 8:30am. She was extremely apologetic and told me to go over and complete my labs and that she would fit me into Dr Budee's schedule somehow.

Dr Budee saw me, I don't know, maybe by about 10am. I had been in the office since 8am. She didn't know what it could be. Intestinal? An ovarian cyst? A UTI? She told me she wanted to order a CT Scan and I waited. When she came back into the exam room, she said "I can order a CT scan for you here, but it will cost $200. Or, you can go to Saint Joseph's ER and it might cost $100.". She said she would call the hospital and let them know about my history and her recommendation.

Before I left, she wrote me a couple of prescriptions. One was for pain medication. The other was for an antibiotic for a UTI. She told me that my blood test didn't "scream UTI" (she even used the air-quotes when she said it) and that if the ER found something in my CT scan, to go with their advise. But if they didn't find anything, to fill the scripts.

What?!

History

September 2007: Stomach ache and other symptoms. Told not to worry about it at my age.

Week of January 20th, 2008: Abdominal pains. Feel like contractions. Doctor's appointment set for 1/25.

January 23rd, 2008: Abdominal pains cease after three days. Cancel appointment scheduled for 1/25 and reschedule with my own Primary Care Physician (PCP) for 2/15.

February 15th, 2008: Keep appointment. Still haven't had recurrence of pain in abdomen. Discuss history with PCP. She writes me a referral to GI at the Franklin Clinic and for a Fasting Blood Work. Not urgent to complete as the pain is gone.

February 26th, 2008: Start to feel abdominal pain in the evening.

February 27th, 2008: Abdominal pain severity increases. Still feels like contractions - lasting for a few minutes, causing me to double over in pain. Cannot walk or stand through pain. Occur every hour or so. Call Kaiser after-hours for referral. After waiting for several minutes to speak to a nurse, get disconnected. Frustrated, do not call back.

February 28th, 2008: Call Kaiser during business hours. Speak to OB nurse for over an hour when finally told I would be referred back to my PCP in Family Practice. Told I would receive a call back. Never did, that afternoon or evening at least.