What can I do?

Last week I found out a friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer.

She's a co-worker of mine, but we're in totally different departments now, so I don't see her much. We occasionally jot notes to each other on Facebook. I do consider her a friend though in the fact that I enjoy spending time with her when I do, wish it was more often and would keep in touch with her even if we didn't work at the same company. My point is, we're not close close friends, but I do care about her and this news has been on my heart since I found out.

She was not the one who gave me her news. It was another co-worker.

I want so much to offer support to her, but I do not want to intrude uninvited on such a personal and undoubtedly devastating time in her life. I have always tried to NOT be the kind of person who says "I know how you feel..." but at the same time, I feel like I can at least maybe relate to some of what she is going through. The unknowing part. The where do I start - how do I start - to deal with this part. I think about how I wanted to find people who knew what I was going through and what I was going to go through to "interview". You know, like I remember really wanting to know what the "banana phone" looked like. I guess I just want to offer that up to her, if she is looking for that too.

The thing is, I know that my experience was mine. In so many ways I just don't really understand why mine was so different than what I have heard other's have been. It has been probably the biggest cause for the question "why". Not "why me?". Just "why" was mine so different. I don't understand. And I don't know if anything I would have to say would offer help or comfort to her.

I do know this. I believe it was more than my youth, my attitude, my support of family and friends, my faith, my humor...

As I have said - before I was diagnosed, I always thought being told you had cancer was the same as being told - your life is gonna suck from now until you die - and you're probably gonna die soon. My only experiences with cancer were all that. Pain, diagnosis, agony through treatment, loss of quality of life, and then - death. There was never any recovery. And on the one rare occasion I can remember that there was not - I was always waiting. It was not a morbid fascination or anything like that. It was just how I believed it would be. It was my life experience with cancer to that time. I was always asking, how is uncle Jerry? It never entered my mind that he could be "better". Living life. In my mind, he was always in a fragile state of being, at risk of being broken at any moment.

So, where am I going with this? Well, it's about stories. Real stories that made surviving and living REAL. I do attribute my own experience being a "good" one (comparatively speaking) to all of the above, but also to some dear friends who chose to share their stories with me when they learned of mine. Matthew. Heather. Sammy. Tracey. Nadine. Heller. I was in wonder with most of you when you told me your survivor tales. It wasn't just a matter of having hope (which, don't get me wrong, I have always had hope) but you made surviving be real in a way that numbers coming out of my doctor's mouth could not. You erased the myth that had occupied my mind ever since the word cancer had entered it. I see it in a whole different way now.

Hearing my friend's news broke my heart. But I feel like at the very least, I can offer her an "aura" of hope and positive energy and honest belief that she can add her story to the list of survivor stories I have.

Oh gosh. This is turning into rambling (but I think that's what this blog was created for :) What I wanted to end with was some unsolicited advise, knowing that these things will not work for everyone. Maybe they won't work for anyone else, but they are things that I found helpful in my own experience - and if they can help anyone else, well then, that would be pretty awesome too...

• I was open with my diagnosis with friends and family - well, and pretty much anyone who cares to know. I tried to lean on them when they offered - and appreciated their company at each of my chemo appointments!
• I blogged. I recently had my one year anniversary and I was happy to have a record of this time in my life. It makes me appreciate where I am now quite a lot.
• I tried to "get ready", at least once a week. I found that if I felt like I looked as sick as I felt, then I felt worse! But if I got ready, I would actually feel better. This may be a given for lots of people - but when you have the opportunity to sleep til noon and hang out in jammies all day, sometimes you do! Lazy is as lazy does?
• I looked for positive stories and resources and focused on those.
• I tuned out the negative.
• I listened to my body and rested when I needed to - but I also did "fun stuff" when I was up to it (and I did a lot of fun stuff!).
• I laughed.
  

BTW, I sent an email to my friend letting her know that I heard of her news, how sorry I am, and that I am here if she needs anything. I know that she is surrounded by her family and close friends and lots of love.

You are in my thoughts and prayers J! - xox

Just made me realize how much I missed them...

Tonight I went to my friend Erica's wedding. She married another friend of mine, Ryan.

Ryan was one of the first people I remember meeting at Sun. I remember, because when my brother introduced me to him he just started talking to me - and fast. All I could do was watch him and wonder, how do you do that? But I don't remember if I understood anything of what he was saying. If you ever met Ryan, then you know exactly what I mean... but if not, his normal conversation speed is as fast as an announcer reading off legal terms in a commercial.

I think I might have been one of the first people that Erica met when she started working at Sun. I don't think I made a good first impression on her, because at one time she said that she thought I was mean when she first met me and maybe she wasn't so excited that she had to sit two cubes away from me. But we became friends fast and I remember that I got extra visits from Ryan who just happened have to pass her cube to come over and talk to me.

I didn't realize how much I missed those days.... When Jason talked me into joining his softball team - just cause he needed more names on the roster he promised. So I talked Erica into it - but she ended up really playing. Then there were BBQ's, happy hours, movies, parties - just hanging out a lot. I had a chance to meet Erica's mom and dad and her best friends (A-,R-,D-) who were always really fun to hang out with too and Ryan's daughter Savannah, who is about Darren's age.

I moved to a different department in Sun and don't spend as much time with them like I used to. But I got to see most of them tonight, and it was fun catching up. Just made me realize how much I missed them.

His sense of humor!

Today, Mondo and I met up with my friend Matthew for lunch. I had borrowed his camera to download pictures from the Mammoth Game on Thursday and wanted to return it (Thanks Matthew!). We met at Noodles & Co near Belmar. Mondo tried my dish and confirmed what I had mentioned early, that it was a little spicy. I said "That's okay. Nothin' that the Cold Stone we're going to go get won't cool off." Matthew just laughed and said that he was afraid he wouldn't be able to join us for fear of the food coma he would have to deal with when returning to work. Lame.

Okay, for the rest of the story to make sense, here is an email that I received last week.

---------- Forwarded message ----------

Tommy,

I am so sorry that I have not been by to see you yet. I would like to come by when you are up to it. So happy for you though, about Gavin Prout..wow!, Lucky girl. Im so jealous. It was wonderful reading your letter and hearing your great attitude. God has been truly faithful to our prayers. Im so happy that you have such a wonderful support system, with your family and church family. So let me know what days are good for visitors and I will bring over some cold stones :)

Jennifer

I told Mondo and Matthew, "You know, Jen said that she would bring me some Cold Stone last week" and I yelled out "JEN, BRING ME MY COLD STONE!" And we laughed, seeing how close we were and the idea of asking someone to deliver it to us....

So we say goodbye to Matthew - and Mondo & I drive three storefronts down to Cold Stone, and as we were parking I see Matthew walking....
Me: There's Matthew... Where did he park?!
Me: Who's he with?
Me: Hahaha. That's Jen!

She walked up and opened my door, gave me a big ol' hug then she said, "I just ran into Matthew and he told me you were coming over here. That's so funny, I owe you Cold Stone! How are you? It's so good to see you....."

What? You had me at Cold Stone...

I wouldn't necessarily call my yelling out "JEN, BRING ME MY COLD STONE!" a prayer. And I wouldn't necessarily say that Jen showing up and buying me (and Mondo) our Cold Stones was an answer to my prayers. But I would say that the laughter I got out of the whole incident was. Laughter, it's a fact to me - is some of the best medicine! And the whole incident made me laugh!

Tears of joy. Way better than tears of sadness.

The Tarpit visits me in Section 102!

Me, Meghan & Mondo

Matthew & Me!

I just got home from the best game ever! Well, actually - I missed alot of the game since I couldn't sit forward in my seat and jump up whenever I wanted to. And usually, I want to stand through the whole game. But, I made it to the game and I was able to sit through the whole thing, so that was awesome!

Just Happy!

During halftime, Voodoo and the rest of the Tarpit all came over to our seats to say 'hi' and to take a picture with me. I knew that Voodoo was going to try to stop by, but it was a nice surprise to meet everyone else. The aisle guide or guard or whatever their title is actually wasn't going to let them down to our seats. They ended up going over to the next section and crossing back! What determination :o) So I was just so excited and all I wanted to do was give Voodoo a great big hug to thank him in person for doing whatever he did to get me an email from Gavin. And just for his kind words too. And then he tells me that he wants to give me something and takes a ring off his finger. Before I could finish saying "No, you really don't need to do anything like that..." He says, "Yes, I want to. This is my lucky ring and I have worn it to every game for the last three years." "Oh no, I can't take that..." "How about this, this is my lucky ring and I want you to have it... and you can give it back to me when you're all better." Ah, tears in my eyes again. And another hug.

Voodoo - you don't know how your kindness has touched my heart. I bet that I have spent less than 15 minutes, maybe 10 - crying over my cancer diagnosis, and half of that was worrying about how my family would deal with it... But I have been brought to tears several times by the overwhelming goodness of people like you. Here you are, a stranger - and then a group of strangers - making such a sweet and meaningful gesture. Tears of joy are way better than tears of sadness.

Wait! The story doesn't end here. Mondo asked if I wanted to go on the floor to see if Gavin was there. Dad was going to pull the van up and so we did. We waited for a while and finally Gavin came out and of course, everyone was yelling and cheering. Maybe we shouldn't have stood in the middle. He's never going to get here. Everyone is going to go to him. Bummer. Nenad Gajic had just come by and a security person told him time was up. I thought, well, probably the same for Gavin. But we still waited and I wanted to see if I could see him at least, but I was in the wheelchair and my view was blocked. Looked like they were telling him it was time to go too, and that's when I saw him look over and smile at me and walk straight over! He signaled to me that he was coming over to see me. I got the biggest cheesiest smile on my face and stood up.

He gave me a big hug and asked me how I was doing. I told him good, but at that moment - great! I thanked him for his emails and asked if he would take a picture with me, to which he answered "of course". Argh! When will I learn to take my camera! Matthew left early so I just had my camera phone and ugh, my eyes are closed! I am so happy about the moment I am still going to post the photograph. He thanked me for coming and wished me well, telling me to take care and hoping I was better soon. Oh, what a great night!

On the way out to the van, my whole family knew how happy I was. Mom was asking what happened during halftime and I was showing her the ring and sharing the story. I asked Mondo what he did and he said he went over and was able to talk to Gavin, saying "I know you're busy and you have lots of people to see here, but my sister would really like to thank you for some emails you sent her this week." It sounded like he knew who he was talking about by that and said he would come over. Thank you Mondo!!!

So, my tummy hurt and my sides hurt too by the end of the game. That was the first time I've really done steps and been out since the surgery (besides the quick trip to Target yesterday) - and that was a lot of steps. But it was totally worth it! I'm already feeling better.

And oh yeah, the Mammoth won too! Nash kicked bootie. That means playoffs! Yeah!

Mondo is the best! Eric too :o)

I love Mondo.

Yesterday he called me and asked me what I wanted to do about the game.

Mondo: Do you still want to go?
Tommy: Yeah. I don't know, I was thinking maybe I'd go at half-time, just in case I can only sit like that for a short time. I'd rather see the second half than have to leave early.
Mondo: Well, I talked to Eric and he wanted to know if you were okay for it. He said, maybe if you didn't feel up to it, we could do something with our tickets and all go over to mom's and watch the game with you.
Me: What?! My friends are the best! No way! He said he'd do that? Wow.
Mondo: Whatever you want sis.
Me: I don't know, I just don't know how I will do, but I wouldn't want to make you all miss the game. Although, that is a sweet gesture.
Mondo: I'm up for anything. It's just one game. How about a wheelchair? Do you think it would be better if you had a wheelchair? I can see about exchanging our tickets.

The conversation went on and he came over for dinner. He ended up taking my parents' and Darren's tickets and upgrading them for lower level wheelchair accessible seats. This way, if I can't sit in the regular seats, I can sit in the other. And he's willing to move to the other's with me - even though they are not nearly as sweet as ours. All I need to do now is find a wheelchair, but I actually think we might have one in the basement or garage. I'm so psyched.

I love Mondo.

Home!

Last night I was able to eat some 'real food' - Chinese, yumm. Mondo brought over some Griff's cheeseburgers this afternoon. mmmm. Food is so good. I was discharged today at 2pm. All set up to rest on the couch upstairs, which is a good plan. Already have visitors. I love visitors.

The Big Day - Part II

When I woke up in recovery, it was to a lot of pain. I was trying to move and figure out where I was and what happened. I was reaching out, I don't know what for - and crying... and asking "what time is it?". Where is everyone at? Did they leave me? I don't remember how long I was in there, or what order things happened in, but they adjusted my medication and the pain lessened enough for me to get ahold of myself. After some period of time, I was able to move to my room.

Mom & Dad, Mondo and Mike Norris came in to see me. They stayed through the whole surgery and recover time.

It was such a blur. Dr Vaughn came in. "Not diverticulitis... Removed the tumor... Sending to pathology... should get results in two days... possibly cancerous... oncologist... chemotherapy..." What?

My evening continued to be a blur. More visitors. I'm sorry, I know I wasn't able to have coherent conversations. I probably tried. I remember talking to Sammi and I think I probably dosed in and out, but she said that if I lost my hair through chemo, she would shave hers off too! God love Sammi and so do I! Kristie had brought Darren back - she had picked him up while I was in surgery and taken him to the zoo. I really don't remember what happened that evening. All I know is that it was just the beginning of such an incredible week. I had so many visitors. So many calls and emails and messages of "we're praying for you and your family." AND, lots of flowers and goodies too!

The Big Day - Part I

I'm not really nervous. Not as nervous as I would think I would be. The day is finally here and I am actually happy.

Mom is not ready, so Mondo, Darren and I head out on our own. Mondo's back went out last week, so he is limping and can't drive. Therefore, I am driving myself to the hospital - again. This time, I think it's really funny because we pull up to drop the car off at Valet Parking and I jump out to rush in to be on time for my check-in at 8:15am. Mondo is behind me, wriggling himself out of the backseat, barely able to walk. And I think, the valets probably think Geez lady. The guy is having surgery today. The least you could do it wait for him.

I see why they ask me to come in two hours early for a surgery that is scheduled to begin at 10:15am. I waited at least a half an hour until they called me to complete my registration. Thank goodness I had done most of it by phone already. By this time, my mom and dad had got there, and so had Pastor Pat and Mike Norris. We all go up to the surgical floor where they're directed to a waiting room and I am taken to Pre-Op. Hugs and kisses from all but Darren. He's already run ahead to the waiting room. Talk about hurry-up and wait.

It's about 9:40am and I'm just putting on my last piece of surgery garb - an aluminum looking puffy hat, that looks like one of those popcorn tins that open up real big when you heat it over the stove. Before microwave popcorn, I don't even know if they still make them. When my family and friends are brought in, Linda Chisholm is here too. They surround me and take turns saying a prayer. My dad is crying. I have a tear or two in my eyes as well. Not for any nervousness now, nor for any fear. Just for the thankfulness and amazement at being loved so much.

At 9:50, I am in the surgery room. Scooting over to the surgery table. Here comes the anesthesia. The anesthesiologist is making small talk. I can't really respond. I look up at the clock. It's 9:58am. Guess we're starting early.....