A different kind of grief...

Holy cow! I can't believe it's been over a year since I've blogged. Here at least...

I'm still around, in case you were wondering. I've received some comments and emails asking if I was and thought it was awful nice of you to care enough to ask, so the least I could do is respond.

Early last year, January 1st to be exact, stuff happened. My mom suffered a really bad stroke that left her unable to speak and move very well. On top of that, an x-ray done in the ER revealed a large mass in her lung - Stage IV lung cancer.

My mom was in the hospital for two months, just trying to get her well enough to get to a rehabilitation center. Halfway through, we were hopeful as she had started to walk with the aid of a walker and assisted by medical staff.

Hospitals are funny places. Not funny as in "ha-ha" you made me laugh. Not funny like that at all. Funny in the way that you are in great danger the sicker you are and the longer you stay in one. "Super Bugs", resistant to antibiotics and other treatments, are life threatening to patients with weakened immune systems. My mom was one of these patients. While in the hospital she contracted at least two separate cases of pneumonia. The stroke had severely impacted her ability to speak... and also to swallow. When you added in the obstruction from the tumor in her lungs, it was a bleak scenario. She just couldn't cough out the bad stuff and never recovered.

Cancer. Hit me harder than it ever had before. I lost my mom on February 26th, 2011 - just two days before what would have been her 41st anniversary with my dad.

For anyone who knows me, you know I stayed very positive through my diagnosis, my treatment and through my check-ups and remission. Sure, I get anxious for test results and maybe I am more nervous than I was before - but I'm not sad, angry or physically down about my own bout with cancer. For those of you who don't know me, you might have commented that you gather that from reading my blog.

I've had some fucked up things happen in my life. Three of my nieces, ages 7, 8 & 10 were murdered in 1999. I was diagnosed with Stage IIIB Colon Cancer at age 36 in 2008. I lost my house due to Cancer and all the fun parts of dealing with a medical condition like this in 2009. But I always knew that these kind of things didn't just happen to me. Everyone suffers. Everyone has dealt with their own tragedies, or if not, they probably will at some time. And if they don't ever, then Praise God! I'd never wish harm on anyone. My point is, somehow I managed to keep that positive attitude to all of my own... until mom.

It was a whole different kind of grief and eventually loss and more grief. I tried to do everything I could do to be there for her and help make decisions for her care, but in the end, we still lost her. No positive outcome. No more hope. I was angry. I was sad. I was lost.

It's been just over a year since my mom had her stroke. I honestly don't feel as angry and hopeless as I did back then. I'm still grieving and I miss her, but I'm able to look for some positive through it now; The best thing - we got to say goodbye. I don't know why my mom started to get better for the one month before it got so bad, but she did. And even though she couldn't speak to us, she communicated. She told me that she loved me in her own way and I'll always have that as one of the last feelings to have shared with her. And if I allow myself to look, I often find bits and pieces of other good too. Like the way mom always taught us that life goes on. We cannot stop living due to our grief. And how better to honor that lesson than to not only go on living, but live life to the fullest and appreciate that we still have time her with our loved ones.

So where does this all come from? Besides being what my life has been about for the last year? Well, for one - I was blogging, just not here. I found this blog to be so great for documenting not only what I was going through at the time but also a great way of communication for anyone who cared to know what I was going through, that I ended up creating a separate blog for my mom. Although, I haven't posted on that since her funeral last March. For two - It's another instance of how cancer is affecting my life and of how fucked up it can be. And how I said at one point "I reserve the right to breakdown in the future..." I brokedown. Just not exactly how I expected it to come about. Three - if you smoke - QUIT! That shit is nasty and it KILLS! I can't believe my mom hadn't had a chest x-ray sooner. I can't believe I never urged her too. It's too late for her, but if you know someone who smokes, maybe you can at least encourage them to ask their doctor's for one. It could very possibly save their life.

That said... I am fine, healthwise in relation to cancer. I missed my 3 1/2 year check up so had a 3 3/4 year CT scan on November 13th. Results were good. NED. No evidence of disease.

Sorry for being away so long. I guess just 'cause I'm super pissed at cancer, it doesn't mean I need to take it out on my blog...

A few pics... from the zoo

Just a few pics from the zoo trip, aka "Tommy BC's New Year's Eve Celebration" mentioned on post titled Why are my eyes leaking.

A few pics... from Chemo Session#1 and Family Dinner

Also, a few pics from chemo session #1 (probably duplicated below) but with additional photos of the family visiting for dinner afterwards.


Also, wanted to apologize on slacking off on noticing the goodstuff in blog form. Here's way to few to make up a bit...
Noticing the "good stuff" -
[x] Ice Cream & Iced Drinks
[x] Done with One!
[x] Blog comments - thank you Lori & Christina!!!
[x] Small groups at FM
[x] MY Band of Sisters
[x] Sheila - you rock!
[x] Mom, for everything
[x] anti-nausea medication
[x] The Zoo!
[x] Family dinners

A few pics...

I mentioned a piece of surgery garb - an aluminum looking puffy hat, that looks like one of those popcorn tins that open up real big when you heat it over the stove - in the post titled The Big Day - Part I. This is a picture Jazzy modeling it off. Sexy! I also brought home the matching blanket.

After my surgery, when I was in recovery, they brought me a bunch of warm sheets because I was freezing. They wrapped one around my head and I fell asleep zoning in and out while I was waiting for results. All the nurses could see were my eyes. This is what I looked like when Mondo walked in. *cheeeese* brrrrrr.....

This is the nurse that taught me how to take care of my central line. She was my first intake nurse in oncology, but I don't remember her name. Paula maybe? I'm sure I will know all their names before long though...


Darren had Field Day for West Denver Prep on Friday. Me and my mom got to go for a bit and watched him participate in a couple events, including one that he got a first place ribbon for - a crazy relay race. It looked like the students had lots of fun.

Update on my dad (and mom)

My mom & dad left for California on Wednesday morning. They got a chance to see my uncle Sonny and spend some time with him, although he was non-responsive through the visits. He had been given pain medication which placed him in a drug induced coma. He passed away in the early hours of Saturday morning. They spent time with family and returned home this evening.

But my dad especially wanted me to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Prayer Request for my dad....

My dad got news this past weekend that his brother Sonny, who lives in California is quite ill. He has cancer that has spread through his body and the doctors have said that there is nothing else they can do for him. They've given him only hope of a few more weeks. My mom and dad have decided that they will drive to Riverside on Wednesday to try to go spend a bit of time with him.

This past week has been very hard on both my mom and dad. But they have found much comfort in all of the support and prayers that you have given me and my family. It has made the world of difference to see my dad be able to laugh with me this past week, when I know if he had not had you there for him, he might have been lost in sadness.

An extra prayer for a safe journey that will offer comfort and peace to my dad and my uncle would be so very appreciated.

Out and about...

The ending of a great week... I got out of the house starting with the Mammoth game on Thursday (details in previous post).

Then Friday night I attended a Mission Estonia Poker Party Fundraiser at Marvin and Donna's House. It was a lot of fun and really good to see some of my Faith Mountain family. Although most of them had visited me in the hospital, it still felt like a long time since I had seen them. Donna made sure I had pillows for comfort and Mary (who I had met at a previous poker party) tended to my needs the rest of the night. She wouldn't even let me get up to get a bottle of water. But I didn't sit still the whole time. I mingled during the break and chatted with friends after I went out.

Saturday we had a birthday party for Darren at Faith Mountain. It was pretty easy - Mario and Karen ordered pizza's and brought salad, drinks and picked up the cake that Denise had bought. Everyone who got there early helped put out the chairs and Mondo and John set up two projectors for the kids to play Xbox and Nintendo. I think they had fun because I didn't hear any "I'm bored" complaints. The adults sat in another room and chatted, and eventually played one game of Texas Hold'em. By the time that game was over, I was starting to get a little achy and was ready to go home. Everyone pitched in and cleaned up in no time. I gave my mom the "night off" and she and my dad took a trip up to Blackhawk. Mondo came home with me and Darren and "babysat" me until after 1:00am.

Today, I made it to church and got to see the rest of my Faith Mountain family that I had been missing. I was so happy during worship, I sang my heart out.... and I don't know if many of you know this - but I don't sing, except at church, and usually I don't sing very loud there. But I was just so thankful for such an amazing week, I couldn't help myself. Sorry to those of you who were sitting near me ;o) This evening, we went to Mario & Karen's house for a family birthday dinner. Darren had his favorite, king crab legs - so I think he was pretty happy with his birthday weekend. Score!

So the weekend update is this - Every day I am feeling better and seem to be healing well.

I'm sure I'm repeating this when I say it, but you would have thought that this past week would have been the (2nd) worst in my life, but it wasn't. It actually felt like one of the best. I feel truly blessed.

The Big Day - Part II

When I woke up in recovery, it was to a lot of pain. I was trying to move and figure out where I was and what happened. I was reaching out, I don't know what for - and crying... and asking "what time is it?". Where is everyone at? Did they leave me? I don't remember how long I was in there, or what order things happened in, but they adjusted my medication and the pain lessened enough for me to get ahold of myself. After some period of time, I was able to move to my room.

Mom & Dad, Mondo and Mike Norris came in to see me. They stayed through the whole surgery and recover time.

It was such a blur. Dr Vaughn came in. "Not diverticulitis... Removed the tumor... Sending to pathology... should get results in two days... possibly cancerous... oncologist... chemotherapy..." What?

My evening continued to be a blur. More visitors. I'm sorry, I know I wasn't able to have coherent conversations. I probably tried. I remember talking to Sammi and I think I probably dosed in and out, but she said that if I lost my hair through chemo, she would shave hers off too! God love Sammi and so do I! Kristie had brought Darren back - she had picked him up while I was in surgery and taken him to the zoo. I really don't remember what happened that evening. All I know is that it was just the beginning of such an incredible week. I had so many visitors. So many calls and emails and messages of "we're praying for you and your family." AND, lots of flowers and goodies too!

The Big Day - Part I

I'm not really nervous. Not as nervous as I would think I would be. The day is finally here and I am actually happy.

Mom is not ready, so Mondo, Darren and I head out on our own. Mondo's back went out last week, so he is limping and can't drive. Therefore, I am driving myself to the hospital - again. This time, I think it's really funny because we pull up to drop the car off at Valet Parking and I jump out to rush in to be on time for my check-in at 8:15am. Mondo is behind me, wriggling himself out of the backseat, barely able to walk. And I think, the valets probably think Geez lady. The guy is having surgery today. The least you could do it wait for him.

I see why they ask me to come in two hours early for a surgery that is scheduled to begin at 10:15am. I waited at least a half an hour until they called me to complete my registration. Thank goodness I had done most of it by phone already. By this time, my mom and dad had got there, and so had Pastor Pat and Mike Norris. We all go up to the surgical floor where they're directed to a waiting room and I am taken to Pre-Op. Hugs and kisses from all but Darren. He's already run ahead to the waiting room. Talk about hurry-up and wait.

It's about 9:40am and I'm just putting on my last piece of surgery garb - an aluminum looking puffy hat, that looks like one of those popcorn tins that open up real big when you heat it over the stove. Before microwave popcorn, I don't even know if they still make them. When my family and friends are brought in, Linda Chisholm is here too. They surround me and take turns saying a prayer. My dad is crying. I have a tear or two in my eyes as well. Not for any nervousness now, nor for any fear. Just for the thankfulness and amazement at being loved so much.

At 9:50, I am in the surgery room. Scooting over to the surgery table. Here comes the anesthesia. The anesthesiologist is making small talk. I can't really respond. I look up at the clock. It's 9:58am. Guess we're starting early.....