A different kind of grief...

Holy cow! I can't believe it's been over a year since I've blogged. Here at least...

I'm still around, in case you were wondering. I've received some comments and emails asking if I was and thought it was awful nice of you to care enough to ask, so the least I could do is respond.

Early last year, January 1st to be exact, stuff happened. My mom suffered a really bad stroke that left her unable to speak and move very well. On top of that, an x-ray done in the ER revealed a large mass in her lung - Stage IV lung cancer.

My mom was in the hospital for two months, just trying to get her well enough to get to a rehabilitation center. Halfway through, we were hopeful as she had started to walk with the aid of a walker and assisted by medical staff.

Hospitals are funny places. Not funny as in "ha-ha" you made me laugh. Not funny like that at all. Funny in the way that you are in great danger the sicker you are and the longer you stay in one. "Super Bugs", resistant to antibiotics and other treatments, are life threatening to patients with weakened immune systems. My mom was one of these patients. While in the hospital she contracted at least two separate cases of pneumonia. The stroke had severely impacted her ability to speak... and also to swallow. When you added in the obstruction from the tumor in her lungs, it was a bleak scenario. She just couldn't cough out the bad stuff and never recovered.

Cancer. Hit me harder than it ever had before. I lost my mom on February 26th, 2011 - just two days before what would have been her 41st anniversary with my dad.

For anyone who knows me, you know I stayed very positive through my diagnosis, my treatment and through my check-ups and remission. Sure, I get anxious for test results and maybe I am more nervous than I was before - but I'm not sad, angry or physically down about my own bout with cancer. For those of you who don't know me, you might have commented that you gather that from reading my blog.

I've had some fucked up things happen in my life. Three of my nieces, ages 7, 8 & 10 were murdered in 1999. I was diagnosed with Stage IIIB Colon Cancer at age 36 in 2008. I lost my house due to Cancer and all the fun parts of dealing with a medical condition like this in 2009. But I always knew that these kind of things didn't just happen to me. Everyone suffers. Everyone has dealt with their own tragedies, or if not, they probably will at some time. And if they don't ever, then Praise God! I'd never wish harm on anyone. My point is, somehow I managed to keep that positive attitude to all of my own... until mom.

It was a whole different kind of grief and eventually loss and more grief. I tried to do everything I could do to be there for her and help make decisions for her care, but in the end, we still lost her. No positive outcome. No more hope. I was angry. I was sad. I was lost.

It's been just over a year since my mom had her stroke. I honestly don't feel as angry and hopeless as I did back then. I'm still grieving and I miss her, but I'm able to look for some positive through it now; The best thing - we got to say goodbye. I don't know why my mom started to get better for the one month before it got so bad, but she did. And even though she couldn't speak to us, she communicated. She told me that she loved me in her own way and I'll always have that as one of the last feelings to have shared with her. And if I allow myself to look, I often find bits and pieces of other good too. Like the way mom always taught us that life goes on. We cannot stop living due to our grief. And how better to honor that lesson than to not only go on living, but live life to the fullest and appreciate that we still have time her with our loved ones.

So where does this all come from? Besides being what my life has been about for the last year? Well, for one - I was blogging, just not here. I found this blog to be so great for documenting not only what I was going through at the time but also a great way of communication for anyone who cared to know what I was going through, that I ended up creating a separate blog for my mom. Although, I haven't posted on that since her funeral last March. For two - It's another instance of how cancer is affecting my life and of how fucked up it can be. And how I said at one point "I reserve the right to breakdown in the future..." I brokedown. Just not exactly how I expected it to come about. Three - if you smoke - QUIT! That shit is nasty and it KILLS! I can't believe my mom hadn't had a chest x-ray sooner. I can't believe I never urged her too. It's too late for her, but if you know someone who smokes, maybe you can at least encourage them to ask their doctor's for one. It could very possibly save their life.

That said... I am fine, healthwise in relation to cancer. I missed my 3 1/2 year check up so had a 3 3/4 year CT scan on November 13th. Results were good. NED. No evidence of disease.

Sorry for being away so long. I guess just 'cause I'm super pissed at cancer, it doesn't mean I need to take it out on my blog...

Good news!

After I got my CT in March - 7 1/2 months ago, I never went in for a follow-up. I guess I figured they would call me if anything was wrong. I told a friend that and they gave me a lecture saying "Not so!".

Okay. Okay! When I scheduled this CT, I asked for March's results just in case there was a surprise in store for me and they gave them to me (they were good btw).

Today, I called in and asked when I would receive my results from last week's scan. She said, "when you have your follow-up."

Really? You can't hold my results hostage - can you? I mean, I paid for the scan... or I will. (And that is pretty much what I told her).

I got a call about an hour later. She said, "Dr. Cohn wanted to let you know that the results of your scan are good, but he still wants you to come in so he can discuss them with you."

Nice. I'll take that.

And I did schedule a follow-up appointment too...

And whadaya know. The world just keeps spinning...

Had my check-up today and met with Julie and Dr. C. Geez those people are sure nice at the RMCC - all of them. Hmm, so..... I had my CT scan at the end of September, so that was about 1 1/2 years from my surgery. Lookin' good. That's the word anyway. Doc says there is no evidence of the cancer having spread. *whew* Not that I thought it had, but still - good to hear. Good. To. Hear.

Next check-up set for mid-February. Just short of my two year "birthday".

I also met with the Genetic Testing Counselor. She doesn't feel like my family history screams that my particular case was due to genetics. Not ruling it out, she says testing wouldn't hurt. The thing is, tested or not - not matter what the results - my family would still be urged to test at the very latest, 10 years prior to my diagnosis (so at age 26). If the testing came up to positive, then testing would be even sooner. Maybe age 20. Yikes.

I told her I would think about it. Probably won't do anything right now for financial reasons more than anything. Maybe next year when I am starting out brand new racking up my Maximum Out of Pocket Expenses. Heck, they still haven't even billed me for my CT. I can't wait to see that one. Kinda shady if you ask me - this whole new insurance business. I have not had much fun with it. At least with Kaiser I knew how everything worked and, for the most part, I knew how much it was all gonna cost. They (insurance companies) sure know how to get you when you're down, don't they.

Speaking of being down...
My friend Cindy K. Not doin' so well. She had a bad reaction to her first round of chemo and has been in the hospital for a few days. Send extra prayers and good vibes in general her way please.

I don't think you should be able to call that a Berry Smoothie...

Ugh.... My laptop died. It was about five years old, so I guess it was time. Anyhow, I thought I would try to make up for some updates that I would have made if it wouldn't have...

Let's see. Where do I start?

New Doctor
At the end of July I met my new Oncologist. Dr. Cohn with the RMCC. So far, so good. I didn't think the receptionist was especially remarkable - but the nurse that took me back for my vitals was really nice. I wish I could remember her name. She was very personable. A PA came in and talked over my history with me and I was extremely impressed when Dr. Cohn came in later on and it was obvious that the PA related information that I had just given to her and that Dr. Cohn had listened. It reminded me of that telephone game you played when you were a kid and you whisper something to your neighbor down the line and at the end the message has nothing to do with what it started out as. Except this time it actually came out the same way I told it in the beginning. It sounds like Dr. Cohn wants me to come in every 4 months for a CT scan and also recommended some genetic gene testing.

New Insurance
That all would have been peachy keen with me but before I went in for my CT scan I got a letter from my new insurance company (Anthem) saying that I was not approved due to my pre-existing condition and that I needed to provide a certificate of creditable coverage (CCC). You know, this is the one condition that I made sure I would be good to go on before I quit Sun. I wasn't going to make the move if it would mean that I would lose my healthcare coverage. I was assured that I wouldn't because I had coverage with Kaiser for such an extended period of time, I wasn't supposed to have to go throught he wait period. Well, by the time I got a response on the CCC stating that I was approved - something that I finally had to fax, call on and remain on the phone until the fax was reviewed and my status was changed - it had already been two months gone by. This really makes me pretty angry. I feel like I should be reimbursed for two months worth of insurance that I was not able to use! Yeah, I guess I could wish in one hand and...

CT Scan
So since things finally cleared up, I was able to reschedule my CT scan. Friday 9/25 I had to go back in for bloodwork since so much time had passed, but I saw that intake nurse again and again she was super nice. I didn't see Dr. Cohn. Just the lab and the scheduler to pick up the Berry flavored ReadyCat super yummy prep drink (that is sarcasm for any of you who have never had the pleasure). My CT scan was in the LoveHeals mobile unit. It's a semi-trailer that visits several sites in the metro area for people needing CT or PET scans. Also a very cool crew.

Genetic Testing
On November 16th, I will be going in for a genetic counseling review. Because of my unusual age of diagnosis and the fact that three out of my four siblings have had polyps found, Dr C thought it would be a good idea. Actually, my mom finally went in for her colonoscopy and they also found 2 benign polyps in her. Still trying to get dad in there. I will also be seeing Dr C after/during that appointment to review the results of my scan. I know that's a long time in between, but I am sure if they see anything concerning, they will contact me sooner.

Peeps & Prayers

Jeanine...
My last day of chemo will have been one year ago on October 8th-10th. Do you remember that big ol' end of chemo party I had to celebrate? Well, I remember how ready I was to celebrate. My friend Jeanine had her end of chemo party last night. I was so happy to be able to celebrate with her! She had six rounds of chemo for her recently diagnosed breast cancer. Jeanine is looking great, still has the most positive attitude ever and is getting ready for surgery, which she is happy so say will be a lumpectomy instead of a masectomy. After that, she is anticipating 30 days of radiation. Go Jeanine! In the words of your beautiful sister - You kicked chemo's ass! Keep up the fight!

Cindy Kay...
One more friend diagnosed with breast cancer. I know that she had surgery already and from what I understand, she should have already begun radiation. I haven't had a chance to talk to her, but I know that she has faith, friends and family - which is the true miracle cocktail to fight this nasty beast. Sending you my love Cindy Kay.

Taylor...
My little cousin Tay who I have talked about a lot on this blog has come to another crossroad in her cancer journey. Taylor is now 13 years old. She's been battling this disease for 2 years now. Unimaginable, but real. She had been doing so much better, on a clinical trial treatment receiving chemo for 5 days on alternate weeks. Discussion was going on about the possibility of getting the medication in an oral form. Her hair was growing back and she was feeling back to normal - even ready to maybe play some sports. She was receiving scans every 8 weeks to mark her results. Recently Taylor found out that her tumor growth had surpassed what was allowed by the clinical trial (this was her second plan of treatment) and that she would no longer be able to participate. I know, I can't imagine. I saw Tay and her family at the Miracle Party this year and she appropriately was dressed as a super hero. Tay has begun radiation - I think she'll have 35 consecutive days of treatment (minus the weekends). She still has her fighting attitude and she is always in my thoughts and prayers.

And, Life In General...
Things are going really well for me. I am really liking my new job. Love the people I work with. I am shocked at how much my son has grown over the summer. He thinks he's 5' 5", but I am having a hard time believing it. I am 5' 2" and think he might be as tall as me, but mostly - people are telling me I am out of my mind and to deal with it. My baby is growing up. He's doing awesome in school. Reading like crazy (they're doing a reading challenge and he's docked about 5,000 pages) and will be going to Washington DC for their school trip in May. I'll be going to Oregon next week for a friend's wedding and am very much looking forward to that.

Well, it's been nice catching up with anyone who still checks this site out ;)

Hope you're well.

More follow-up...

CT Scan today. Prep wasn't great, but not as bad as the others. I had to drink a bottle and a half of this thick solution that kind of tasted like Pina Colada mix. Before the scan, I went up to Oncology to see my clinical trial nurse. She gave me a card that waived my copay - score $200. They didn't say anything about the results, but I have my 6 month check (or one year depending on how you look at it) with Dr Azar on April 3rd.

*Benign * Benign * Benign * Benign *

I got the pathology results back and it's good news.

The mass found was as the doctor had thought - a buildup of tissue from the original surgery.
*Benign * Benign * Benign * Benign * (see post 01/23/09).

He says I'm supposed to come back in three years. Dr Azar might say sooner. Man, I hope not...

What? Now? Right now? I'm not even laying down.

Let's see... where to start? It's actually not that interesting.

I do have to correct myself - it was a "mole" I went and had checked out (4 of them), not a birthmark... but birthmark sounds better to me. Like it's not my fault, I was born that way. Even though, I wasn't born that way, the moles just came on their own accord, I guess it's still not my fault... what?

My appointment was easy breezy lemon squeezy. It was scheduled for 2:15pm. I checked in at 2pm like a good girl. Took my time going up, grabbed a seat and started to read my book. Boom! They were ready to see me. It only took a few minutes for the doctor to come in so really, everything started right on time. I showed him the marks and he looked at them all, stopping at the one on my stomach and saying "yeah, we better remove that one".

I said "okay". And he left the room for a minute. I thought to go and get the nurse to schedule an appointment or something - but noooo. He came back in with her, advised her what to enter into my records while he jotted the area with alcohol. Then he said, "I'm just gonna give you a shot to numb the area..." (what? now? right now? I'm not even laying down.) "You'll feel a little sting, and that will be the worst of it. And then I will take this razor blade and scrape it off." (WHAT?!?! You'll what?! Can I have a blindfold at least?)

But he was right. I turned my head to look at the nurse while he did what he needed to do. Before I knew it, she was applying antibiotic and a bandage and I was ready to go. He said they will send it in for testing and they'll get back to me with the results - but he's not worried too much about it. So I guess, neither am I.

I didn't stop by Oncology. I thought about it... but really didn't know who in particular I would be going to see. If I had a bag of candy with me that I could have dropped off, that would have been different. Maybe next time.

First follow-up...

Tomorrow I have my first follow-up appointment since I've completed my chemotherapy...

I received a call from Kaiser about a referral. She asked me if I wanted to schedule the appointment. "Sure. What's it for?" I had forgot I was supposed to go in for a blood draw shortly after my chemo ended. My magnesium or something was low. I never went in. But this call wasn't for that, it just reminded me of that. The referral was for dermatology. Dr Azar thinks I should get some of my birthmarks checked out. I had actually been advised of that once before and I guess I blew it off. This time, I decided not to.

So, tomorrow I will go back to the medical center and get things checked out. Maybe I will stop by and say "Hi" to the Oncology peeps. It's been a while... Do you think they'll remember me? I wonder if the hospital smell will bother me as much as it had back in October...

I also have my first colonoscopy scheduled. Yay. I'm so excited. (In case you can't read it, that was sarcasm). I'm a bit nervous about it, but (or should I say - butt) I guess that's normal. I'll be getting that puppy done on February 5th. In anticipation of getting spectacular results, I am planning a celebration weekend. Yay! (That was real excitement :)

Thought I would mention, I've started a new blog. It is not nearly as factual as this one. No blood counts. No medical termonology. I decided I would keep this one more about the "big C" and the other one is about fun stuff. Mostly eating, cooking and other stuff I do for kicks. Anyway, if you get bored and want to check it out - it's posted at http://wholelottahappy.blogspot.com/.

Cheers!

Followup and Party Party Party!

Oops. I guess it took me a while to get back. It would be true to say that I have been wayyyyy more tired this past week than I have been through my whole treatment - so I have been sleeping accordingly. But, tiredness and sleep I can deal with, so I'm not complaining.

When I did find some energy to get up - I hung out with Mondo and Eric, went to a movie with Darren & Mondo (Igor), saw the Bronco game at Mario & Karen's and also went to lunch and a movie with my friend Wendy (Nights in Rodanthe - I know Mondo was disappointed I didn't wait for him to see it with me - haha). It's been a good week.

So anyway... followup. Last week I talked to Dr Azar about followup (she will be out of the office on my last appointment). It's pretty basic I guess. Sometime in December I will need to go in for a colonoscopy. Ugh. FYI - this will be my first one. I know a lot of people think I've had one, but no. If I had had one, perhaps I never would have got this far! Anyway... then in March I will have a CT Scan. And in April I will visit Dr Azar to see how things look. Here's praying for nice and clear with no signs of Evil Cancer growth.

My last chemo is one week from tomorrow! I will wear the pump for two days and should be able to get my central line taken out on Friday! I am sooooo excited I can't even tell you. In the meantime I am planning an "End of Chemo" party. It's set for October 25th and if you didn't get the evite - please drop me a line with your email address! BTW - October 25th is also my dad's birthday so we should have cake too! Come Celebrate with me!!!